I played the song “The Funeral” by Band Of Horses in a retirement home.

Lie in my room, listening to La Dispute, in the dark, and exist.

I can’t post anything too personal without having to worry about my ex (one of the worst people I’ve ever known), someone who hates me more than anyone else for no reason (also one of the worst people I’ve ever known), and someone I used to be close friends with that just started ignoring me one day, using that information against me?

Is the prospect of playing gigs, even just small beach events at night, with my best friend Sam, doing our indie rock/emo/pop punk original music. Theres something about playing original music, playing to people, that just makes everything better. I can’t wait to play, events and gigs and shows and sets, arbitrary beach shows, house shows, everything. It’s all I have.

There are still over 3 months left until I leave, and that I’ll have one of my best friends with me at college, but I don’t want everyone just forgetting me. I don’t want to just be forgotten by my friends and family. I don’t want my close friends to lose touch. I don’t want to see her in his arms. I’m torn with how to handle my friends anymore, even if there are only 9 that I talk to to hangout with. I don’t want to just leave them an forget. I don’t want everyone just fading out. I am torn between wanting people gone and wanting people to stay. I want everything to just workout for me. I want her. I want to have things go my way.

But, my desires don’t matter. Life will happen and I’ll have to just deal with it.

If I really want to spend time with my friends, or if they’re really my friends at all. Or at least some of them, while others always seem to be there and be real with me, never any bullshit or treating me wrong. I guess all friends screw each other over a little every once in awhile, but true ones will be making it up to you the next second. That’s how I know, if they’re friends worth keeping. If you’re going to ignore me or put me in uncomfortable situations or never do anything nice for me or just be a dick, then you’re not my friend, not my true friend. You’re just an acquaintance that I get along with, and you’ll never be anything more than that. Maybe I’m a little too extreme, maybe I let feelings for friends and relationships get in the way of my decision-making, maybe I’m just too emotional, but I’d rather be happy and only spend time with true friends than ones whose character I question. So if you are a true friend, then thank you, if you’re just an acquaintance, then that’s fine but I couldn’t care less if I ever saw you again, and if you’re a fake, then fuck you.

You know who you are.

Yup.

• $1000 into an yamaha acoustic electric, strings, picks, cables, Marshall amp, phonic powerpod pa system, shure sm58 microphone, microphone cables, mixer, audio interface, effects pedals

• 4 months of poetry writing

• 1 year of lyrical writing practice

• 1 month of lyric writing for an EP

• 1 year of guitar playing

• 1 year of singing

• 2 months of music writing practice

• 1 month of music writing for an EP

• 1 lifetime of listening to great varying music of all genres

• determination

• charisma

I’m ready for a summer full of indie-rock/pop-punk/emo music playing.

I’ve been working on an EP for a month or so now, just writing guitar parts (chords only, sorry I’m not a soloist) and lyrics. I’ve got 6 worthy songs now and Monday marks the beginning of the creation of the bass and drum parts. The songs should be completed within the next month and then I’ll record the songs as an EP and post them to bandcamp and to here to hear. It’s indie rock/pop punk/emo music, like Tigers Jaw with a little Say Anything and a little Early November and a little Manchester Orchestra. It should be pretty good, but you can be the judge when it’s all done.

I sit in my truck, listening to music (La Dispute tonight), checking my tumblr, and existing pensively. This is the life.